A Very Personal Post

I don't really know where to start with this. I guess it's okay to say you're not okay, but have I wanted to admit that? I've always been the type to bottle things up and if there was ever a problem, I was the one comforting others; I wasn't being comforted. I don't think it's right to say that I am weak, as I've been trying to hold and be strong for very long time now. It's now got to the point where I have faced my problems and tackling them.

I am not ashamed to say I have taken up counselling...

The lockdown of 2020 has caused many implications into my life, as I am sure it has to so many households across this country - I am not the only one going through this. It's hard explaining to others your feelings, especially if they have never gone though what you have. There is therefore nothing to relate about. The lockdown all started off so easy, it was only those three weeks....which then suddenly escalated into four months. This to me was four months apart from my parents and brothers. Four months of having no social interaction with anyone my own age. I became heavily reliant on my boyfriend and Grandparents for company; and this was all I had every few days for four months. I can't say that this reliance is healthy; it's become noticeable that I am still reliant on my boyfriend and want him a lot more than I should as he was all I had for company, and part of my mind still believes that. Days on my own became exceptionally extensive and I found myself days at a time, just sitting in my room alone. This isolation has increased my mindset to become increasingly more paranoid. I don't know how and why it works but somehow I crave attention. Whether this be attention of love or unintentionally causing a problem. I don't know why I get like this and I would love to know. I am not ashamed to say that I cry more days now than I have ever done. My mind now picks up any smallest thing and turns that into a problem. I worry more and worry about future occasions, even if they could be years off. I don't think we should be embarrassed of this. I can't help it and at the same time, why let it hold me back?

I was told to take up counselling a few months back, but I thought I would be fine and my emotions and actions would all blow over. You tend to think to yourself "I'm okay" or "I'll be able to handle this and deal with my problems". I was wrong. I guess I felt weak at the time to admit that additional support would be beneficial, but I didn't want to give in and finally admit this. It took one night and one drastic change to realise and understand this. From this, it's become something I have accepted and come to terms with. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. It took me countless occasions and one final blow to realise this. I thought to myself, "if I don't do it now, will my mental health get worse?" Some days, like anyone, I feel happy. Others I feel extremely low and down. Not only this, but I worry (and I know I shouldn't) but I don't want my current state to have and place an impact on major things occurring in my life right now.

Some days I just cry for no reason and I don't know why anymore. This has even led to me having some unpleasant thoughts. I am the sort of character to bottle things up, but when I explain how I feel, no one is ever trained to help and sort out your major issues. BUT don't bottle things up. This is what I have a habit of doing and it gets me nowhere, it just contributes to further annoying problems.

During the last month, I have been living out of suitcase seeing family and going away. This hasn't helped as for so long I have been living away from home, I just want a permanent residence. Luckily, this is only one day away! I've been counting the past five months to move into my flat and FINALLY this day will be tomorrow. Personally, I need one place to settle and adjust to. Hopefully, from here, I will gain some normality.

So at the moment, my main focus is me. Understanding and adjusting my thoughts and emotions. Trying to stay positive and enjoy every moment. I'm going to live for now. Not the memories of yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. Today is my life and I am going to live it. I'll update how I find my first hand experience at counselling.

Thank you for reading this personal story,

EJ x

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